I must be a terrible mother and wife

I had my baby through c-sect. I just couldnt bear the pain of giving birth.
I failed to breastfeed him. He got sick often and has allergies.

I didn't go to church because I dont like it. I dont like the people, the pastor, I question God so many times.

I am a tired mother. I cant handle my stress. I yell at my kid, sometimes curse. I wake up with painful back and have hard times to sleep.

I do compare myself with other mothers and feel that I am not a supermom like them. If I were in a mother competition, I must be the last. People may think I am the underdog & I deserve it.
I feel sorry for my baby, because he has to face the reality: having a terrible mother like me. With such potentials, he deserves a better one. Way much better. Deep down in my heart, I am afraid I would completely ruin his childhood, his pure character, and build bad temper in him.

I completely understand if God finally decides to punish me. Imagine this is a soap opera, I must be the antagonist player who will face some kind of awful things, maybe sickness to death, which is a part of my karma. My role will be replaced by someone new, someone is kindhearted.

I feel sorry for my husband too. He is too good to be true. Someone who is really sweet and caring. He used to serve God. Now I am a bad influence to him. He almost never goes to church anymore. He also deserves a better wife. Eventhough I love him too much, I cant make him a better person.

I am sinking. I feel like I am dragging my feet to go through the days.
I am losing hope. I am sad.

My husband & my kid, they both are gifts to me. The most wonderful things ever happened in my life.
But I really feel I dont give back as they deserve.
I just dont deserve them in my life.

#ventingmother #familyproblem #terriblemother