I want to disappear, leave this place and go out somewhere, become the next Chris McCandless if I have to g**d*** it. I can't take this anymore. I'm f***ing crushed with depression and my mom always criticizes me for the smallest things. Sometimes she will yell at me for not doing my homework and then the next minute she will tell me to stop doing my homework. She wants me to do good in school and everything. I go to the #1 school in the Midwest, I get good grades, I maintain a 3.7 GPA (unweighted) and want to go into engineering or the military. I just want to get away from my mom. She yells at me for small things and criticizes me for being lazy when im actually depressed. She criticizes me for working out, trying to lose weight and trying to eat healthy. Because of this I just started to exercise moderately. Then my mom criticized me for doing that as well. I know that she wants me to become better and everything. I'm kind of a compulsive liar. I lie to get away from problems and getting in trouble, but it only causes me more hell later on. I want to get rid of that habit, but I can't because I do it out of anxiousness and just lie to not face the problem. I just wanna graduate and go to the military and hope I die or some sh**. If not, I'll just use the GI bill and go to Purdue or some sh** and then book it and move to Cali or Dubai, away from family. I've always been the hated child, I wasnt supposed to be born. The Accident. I was never treated equally in life. I just want to f***ing end my life. I wanna take some pills and go to sleep and die. But I can't. It is a major sin in Islam and I don't want to be damned in hell forever. I just want to be happy. Why can't I be happy? Why does it have to be like this? It was my 16th bday 12 days ago and I didnt do anything for it. Most of my friends and family forgot. My uncle showed up on the weekend to celebrate but he only did it for the show, he's so fake. I can't take this anymore. I'm the reason my mom has so much stress and problems. I wish I could die. I just want to die. I wanna go into the street and tell someone to kill me. I can't do this anymore. I have nothing to live for. I wonder what death is like, probably better than I ever will be here. I'm sorry mom, i'm sorry I was never enough for you and that I lied to you, I love you and im sorry that I could never be enough for you. Im sorry, friends, that Im so selfish and I want to die. Im sorry that i left like this. I didnt want it to end like this. Im sorry. Goodbye.