No doubt, I still love you. But to which extent can this relationship last?
As weeks past, we have more and more arguments. We're too different that we can't communicate well enough. So far, we have gotten through all the fights and drama, though unnecessary.
Today, we were supposed to meet up at noon. I overslept couple times, so we ended up not meeting. When I apologized, you said you were fine, but clearly, you were not. Instead of talking things through, you decided to bottle up your feelings and hold a grudge. which is unhealthy for you -- and for me. For you because when you bottle up your feelings, you're gonna keep all the negativity inside of you which prevents you from moving forward. Unhealthy for me because I start to overthink and get upset over you getting upset. I just don't understand why you cannot let things go, even the tinniest littlest problem. Not just for this one time but many times before. You're upset I get it, I broke a promise to see you but don't sulk over it. At least talk to me about it. Don't pretend like you're okay. Stop isolating yourself from me. It makes me feel unwanted and helpless because what kind of a girlfriend would I be if I can't cheer up my man.
You have a huge a** ego and it brings me down to know that your pride is more important than me. I've learnt to accept that fact and still try my best to understand you, be there for you, love you, make compromises but you just won't give in. You make me feel unnecessary, unwanted, hopeless, disappointed in myself and insufficient. Everyday, I make sure I think before I speak because I'm too afraid that the slightest action might offend or hurt you. When you're happy, I feel blessed and loved and accepted and wanted and needed but sometimes, or most times, without you I'm just broken and lost and confused and unsure. I need you to tell me you love me and that you need me. I'm too attached to you to let you go. I may not be free but I feel loved.
I know that this mindset is unhealthy for me but I can't afford to let you go because I love you too much. And I'm afraid that if I do, situations might get worse. We have too many mutual friends and we're around each other in school all the time. I guess one other reason why I'm still holding on to you is because I have hope. Hope that you are the one. And through every disagreement, love will suffice. But for how long more can my strength last. What if too many fights could break me? Slowly, I lose my grip. And what if all this time, you were never the one holding on because you don't want 'us' as badly as I do. Sometimes I wonder, what am I fighting for?