5 more stops on this crowded bus before can go home and cry until I don’t have any more tears to cry.
4 more stops.
Today was bad. Worse than my usual everyday. Which is pretty hard to beat. Who knew I was so great at hiding my emotions. Everyone thinks I'm this happy-go-lucky girl who is always so excited to se people. Alone, I am nothing like that. I hate everyone and everything.
3 more stops.
Why do I let this happen? I allow my problems to build up until I cont hold them back anymore. Everything that happens goes to the back of my head until it all comes running to my attention.
2 more stops.
He asked me what was wrong and I said everything. He told me to be specific. Little did he know I was. Absolutely everything is going to sh** in my life right now.
1 more stop.
I can almost see my house from here. I am sitting in the second last seat on this stupid bus trying not to burst into tears. If any of those kids saw me crying, everyone would know before I could tell them to shut up.
Now I need to make it past my mother without her noticing the beginning tears rolling down my cheeks. Probably the hardest task yet. In the door, pass her in the kitchen, go up the stairs and it is a straight away to my safe place.
I made it by some miracle. I’ve created an artificial night by turning off my lights, closing my blinds and blaring my music through my headphones at the loudest volume possible. Every song is a sad song. Every word pierced into my eardrums is dragging me deeper in this ocean of sadness and hate I’m drowning in.
Hate for no one but myself. I couldn’t walk past a mirror without making some type of put-down or comment against myself. All day. I don’t understand how girls can be happy with themselves. It is unconceivable to me that I could possibly think nice things about myself. It is insane to think that I could possibly be fine looking like me or being me or living my life. I know I'm lucky that I live in such a great country and my family isn’t abusive and I'm not starving or anything but, I just can’t find anything that makes me happy now. Not one thing.
I’ve let things build up for way too long. And now I'm not sure how long this low will last. It’s usually 2 days but this one is way worse than any