Sometimes I feel so embarrassed that I feel sick. This is one of those times. This event happened yesterday and it makes me feel horrid. I'm overreacting and I hate myself but I don't f***ing care.
I was really, really rude without meaning to be. I corrected a teacher without thinking properly about how to word it and I feel like such a f***ing a**h*** and I want to choke myself and throw up and punch myself in the stomach. It's stupid, I know.
I said it so f***ing stupidly and I could've said it so much more nicely or worded it completely better so I wouldn't have sounded like a f***ing know it all prick but god f***ing damn it I f***ing didn't and I want to apologise to the teacher when I next see him but I'm too much of a shy and scared sh**head to do it. I know it'd be the right thing to do but I feel humiliated having to do it with my friends there or outside the door or something. Pathetic, I know, I really really don't need anyone else to tell me. I'm overly sensitive and a f***ing nobhead but it's f***ing killing me and I just really, really, really hope he doesn't take it personally and forgets about it.
His young daughter had been in hospital the week before that and it was literally 30 minutes until school ended for the week and I know I'm a f***ing dickhead. Hate me more will you? I'm such a terrible f***ing person. I just left the classroom after school ended without even looking at him because I'm a f***ing b**** with my tail between my legs clearly.
I usually hate using the word humiliating because of my glass pride and ego that I'd f***ing kill someone to get rid of but if this is a way of destroying my pride while also not letting anyone close to me know, then f***, I'm going to batter myself so much that I get a pencil and stab my arm with it until I see red, red and nothing but red.
I felt my face heating up in embarrassment after making the 'comment' and I know that even some of the worst kids in my classes wouldn't be that rude to a teacher despite their "I don't care. I don't want to learn this pointless subject. I didn't even do anything wrong" attitude when they do something stupid. I just kept my head down because dear f***ing lord I'm a dipshit.
I wish I could force two fingers down my throat and just vomit up my feelings and pretend I was never there for that day. It's overreacting. I know it is. I know it is, I know it is, I know. Doesn't stop me from wanting to write a seven page essay on why the f*** I'm sincerely apologetic and I know I said it so wrongly and I'm genuinely sorry and I didn't think about what I said beforehand and I didn't mean it that way and I know that doesn't excuse the fact that I was a f***ing idiot but-- Ugh! I know I'll just f***ing back out on apologising when I next see him so what's the f***ing point? He'll hate me forever and downgrade my exam grades by masses for pointless things and/or grade my papers for less marks than they're worse when he can get away with it and I'll feel even sh**ier and I want to f***ing kill myself so I don't have to live with the fact that it happened and I don't have to live with the shame or embarrassment and it's stupid and ungrateful and pointless but that doesn't f***ing disregard the fact that I FEEL this bad about it.
I'm a horrible f***ing person. And he doesn't deserve to f***ing get the "I know better than you" attitude no matter how unintentional it was after the hectic week he had plus he has a class of 30-33 students to teach for their exams and I'm a dickhead and curse me.
I should apologise but I'm too much of a scaredy cat to. Glass pride, glass pride, glass pride. I can't own up to doing something wrong in front of so many people. I'd apologise if it were only him and I but I can't just get rid of my friends or any other person who might so happen to walk in.
I'm not religious and it's stupid to pray about a minimal thing plus God or whatever would encourage apologies to be made but I'm too much of a prideful piece of f***ing sh** to even do anything right so I pray that he forgets by Tuesday next week.
Until then. Kill me.
Because every embarrassing situation makes me feel sick, guilty, stupid and angry at myself to the point that I constantly think' 'just f***ing CHOKE ME' and then I mentally scream and attempt to shed tears of frustration but I'm physically emotionally constipated so my mentality suffers double.
f***ing kill me.