overactivedepression says

DAY 1 of bedridden depression- too many x's and beers to remember how long I slept.

DAY 2 of bedridden depression - "how much longer are we going to live like this?" Before I take a handful of xanax and go back to sleep... hopefully not much longer. I delete all my social media accounts, they're are f***ing lies anyway.

DAY 3 of bedridden depression -too groggy to even know what day it is. Take out 14 xanax, figure I'll take 2 me everytime I wake up.

  • Nov 6
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overactivedepression says

I feel enraged today, mad at everything. Mentally I am in a downward spiral, I can feel that shift and know that it is only going to get worse. I am angry in a split second, but just under the surface, I am ready to melt into a pool of tears. I am desperate for something to stop me from where I am going, but my energy is so low that I feel like I can't-do anything to change it. I can't tell him, I know what his response will be. I feel more like a burden than ever, know that ... read more

  • Sep 21
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overactivedepression says

Working in Outdoor Leadership means seasonal work... which means more time spent at home than in the field. I work hard when I am away, gone for a few days at a time. It's sucked to be away from him, but at the same time I am doing something I love and making money while doing it. Camp was an experience and I didn't make much money doing it... I have spent the last month getting caught up on bills and such, I understand that I haven't been able to pay as much I would like. Bu... read more

  • Sep 11
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overactivedepression says

3 weeks at camp and for what? I was laying in my bed, exhausted from bratty kids and long distance hiking when I got the text. Reading and rereading to make sure that I was processing it correctly.

"The house is on fire"

5 words that sent my world into a tumble, chain reaction if you will. As if South Carolina hasn't beaten me up enough as it is, here we go again. I want to leave camp immediately, I am hysterical - inconsolable if you will. I can't l... read more

  • Jun 10
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  overactivedepression says

Repacking my bag for the 3rd time I'm nervous just thinking about camp. The other counselors, mostly returning staff or returning campers, don't have anything in common with me. They come from well adjusted homes, with comfortable incomes, and high end material items. I have scars on my wrist from my failed suicide attempts, and a family of dysfunction. When I was offered the position I was high with anticipation, as it gets closer I dread leaving my life. I drink, smoke, yel... read more

  • May 17
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  overactivedepression says

I lay curled in a ball, my body is tight, muscles sore. I'm exhausted, half a dozen xanax later amd my mind continues to race. I want to sleep, want my bones to stoo hurting, want my mind to stop tearing me apart. He lay next to me, asleep, cold and uncaring. He hasn't touched me all day, I need his affection, feel lost without it. He is punishing me, like I'm a child. I'm crushed, lonely, depressed and sinking lower. I leave in a week for camp, gone for 11 weeks. My mind is ... read more

  • May 17
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  overactivedepression says

My skin is still pink from my bath, as I lay on the bed. All the windows are open in the house, there's a cool, damp breeze running through the hallway. The doorways creak, the blinds shuffle. It's started getting much darker the past 2 hours, the rain will be here soon. I lay in bed, uncovered smelling the spring rain. He's in the living room, I'm not avoiding him, it's just nice to lay here undisturbed. I'm much closer to earth than him, he doesn't feel the rain in his bone... read more

  • Apr 3
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  overactivedepression says

He's gone. Despite my chagrin he left this morning for Colorado, he is on the other side of the country. I lay in bed. Hes angry with me because I went out with some old friends from an old job... I had so much fun, I really enjoyed spending time with them. He called me 12 times in the 3 hours I was there. I feel like a child that's been scolded. But he's on the other side of the country doing god knows what. He's mad at me, won't answer my calls, doesn't respond to my text. ... read more

  • Mar 26
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overactivedepression says

I lay in bed and listen to them playing their video game. My body is still stinging from my scaulding bath, it feels good. I needed this as much as he did, even if I were upset at first because he didn't tell me. We looked at houses today, I interviewed with the camp that will take me away for weeks. Exhausted we both wantedto come home. We stopped quick at a friends, hes loud and opinionated, hes sloppy and usually drunk... but hes a good friend of his. Its mentioned in casu... read more

  • Mar 16
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  overactivedepression says

I sit at my desk and stare at my computer screen, I hate it here. My house has become a prison, my neighborhood is my own purgatory. It's starting to eat away at me, quickly I've started to decline. I know it's only a matter of time before I subcumb to complete depression. I cry as I tell him for the 100th time, we need to go, we need to leave. He reassures me it will happen, on the inside I'm screaming and tearing at Mt hair. I've hit a road block, I've hit a dead end. I wal... read more

  • Mar 14
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  overactivedepression says

I stayed in bed and cried this morning an hour after my alarm went off. I brushed my teeth and sobbed. I dressed, put my jewelry on, and cried. I composed myself and did my makeup only to break down halfway through. I text one of my managers, I won't make it in today. I curl back into bed and cry harder. I take a hike through a local park, hoping it will help put me in a better mood... it doesnt. I come home and sit on the couch in my quiet home. I don't cry, I don't feel any... read more

  • Feb 28
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  overactivedepression says

I had a busy day at work, came home an hour later than usual. He's in a good mood when I walk through the door, I'm exhausted. He holds me close to him, I feel good here, tired but good. He asks me if I want to go get a beer at one of our favorite bars, of course I do, but I want to take a shower. After our shower I throw on a pair of yoga pants, he toys with a strand of my hair, he likes my new hair cut. I don't want to go to the bar, I want to stay home and be loved... I do... read more

  • Feb 25
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  overactivedepression says

I came home early from work today, I felt like I had been beat up. Exhausted I started dinner, chili, we hadn't had it in a while do I thought it would be a nice surprise. I put the sauce on to simmer while the meat defrosted. I don't have any time to think about dinner in the morning, I cursed myself for not setting something out. Finals week at school sucks. I signed onto his computer to get my presentation off it and send it to my laptop, I haven't even had a chance to tra... read more

  • Feb 22
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  overactivedepression says

I hate my job, but who doesn't right? My job makes me manic, sales, probably not the best choice for someone who goes up and down on a drop of a dime...

I go up with my job, I crash down with my job. Today I spent an hour walking back and forth between the bathroom and the coffee machine, just trying to not be seen by anyone. Some days I get noticed, most of the time I can hide.

I'm not pushy enough to be in sales, but the high I get is unmatched whe... read more

  • Feb 20
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  overactivedepression says

I've had too much to drink. I've isolated myself in my sanctuary room, for hours. After the cookie incident I wanted to cry alone. 

I didn't clean today, Sundays we clean. I cleaned 2 bathrooms, made the bed, and did 4 loads of laundry, clean, dry and put away... but to him I still didn't clean.... he says that with the vacuum placed in the middle of the bedroom floor, I'll walk around it. Side note; we arent married.

He's asleep on the couch, perfe... read more

  • Feb 20
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overactivedepression says

I was the teenage girl you hear about and roll your eyes over. I wanted out of my parents house, wanted my own life because I knew what was best for me at 16. I didn't, I still don't. I hung out with the wrong people, I alienated myself from friends and family, I grew dependent on drugs and alcohol and I tried to commit suicide a half dozen times, two of which were almost successful, one which landed me in a baker institution for 2 weeks ( I lied really well to get out). I ha... read more

  • Feb 19
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