I am going to be a junior in high school and I have intense anxiety. It has only gotten worse as the summer has progressed and I feel all of this pressure on me and I honestly just don't want to live. I've always had an undertone of passive suicidal tendencies but recently, anytime I try to think past the summertime I get nauseous. I sincerely don't want to live to see next school year and I just want some horrible thing to happen to me so that I can die before then and it will be no one's fault. And even if I make it past high school, which the odds stake against me more and more each day, I have to go to college. I also have to drive a car, and get a job. If I so much as think about living to the age of 24, I can't breathe. I don't want to even make it to my 20s. I wasn't even this suicidal when I was actively self harming in physical ways. But I just don't want the pressure of living. I feel like life is not for everyone and it is so unfair that I am forced to live and work and meet all of these expectations just because I was born and I never even asked for that. I would never have asked for that. I guess I do want to live, but not like this. I have so much anxiety all the time that it's messing up my eating and sleeping habits. I don't want to live with the weight of all of these expectations others have of me. I am going to be taking an advanced math class, two AP classes, and 4 bells of intense major work. I just want to sleep for a long time. I want to close my eyes and skip to a time in my late 20s in a small house or apartment, and I am waking up in a soft bed with my cat by me and I get up to go to a boring and non stressful job and have time to devote myself to selfcare and hobbies. I can meet a cute girl and I can have a quiet and happy life. I want that. But I have to find a way to make it to that point if I could ever even have that. My mom wants me to be an actor. And it was once my dream, but honestly? I mostly just want to get a nice humble degree to be a librarian or work in a bookstore and I can write poetry and I can do some community theater if something cool pops up, but it's never expected of me. I would pick up violin again after years. I would even learn piano. My problem is that I am the only seemingly normal child and the last child of my parents, and when I was younger, I was of above average intelligence, so now the stress of meeting their ever rising expectations is so much to bear. I want a life free of expectations where I can be mediocre. I want a life where simply existing is enough.
#depression #suicidal #teen #ill #anxiety #death