I feel so f***ing stupid, I just really feel dumb. I'll admit, I had a little bit to drink and am an emotional drunk, but I'm in so much pain that I just don't know what to do. Just recently I lost a friend, this person was supposed to be my best friend, my ride or die, and they literally f***ed me over. I've been friends with this person for over five years, and they've done a lot of sh** to me that I would just let go because I really wanted them in my life. I hadn't had friends up until my seventh grade of middle school, people would bully me and call me a monster because I had a really ugly skin disorder and thought that if they touched me or took things from my hand that they would catch it. Needless to say, I was desperate to keep this person in my life.
I'm a ride or die kind of person, it takes me a LONG while to finally give up on someone and stop allowing them to hurt me or f*** me over, but this one really takes the cake. In the ninth grade I had went to the behavior center for a suicide attempt, and not long before I had gotten into a bad argument with this person because I was depressed and had been suicidal for a while and they got mad at me for me getting pissed off that they hadn't been treating me fairly. What I mean by that is that when they needed me I was there, when they had no one I was there, when they needed something I would give it up for them, and the whole nine yards, all I asked for in return was them to talk to me at least once a week or so because I'm well aware people get busy. This person lied to the police and told them that I was trying to kill my family instead of me trying to kill myself. So, because this person was pissed at me, they almost got me a felony that could have ruined my entire life.
It was hard for me to soak in. This person, who I thought I could trust with my life, almost got me locked up because they were being petty and couldn't talk out their issue. Then, they want to say that they had no idea where I was and was worried, but was the only one who hadn't messaged me asking where I was and why I wasn't answering calls or text. The only good news is that the police couldn't find any evidence of it, which of course they wouldn't because I wasn't trying to kill my family, and I didn't get charged. I ditched this person and they tried to come back and apologize and I forgave them, and I was about to let them back into my life again but I had a few days to think over some things.
This person almost got me locked up, this person has made me cry on multiple occasion, this person can't even remember my birthday, or treat me like an actual human being, and I'm really about to do this sh** again? I already had one person do that to me, and I'm going to let the second do it to me over and over again? Hell no, got me f***ed up. So, I'm not a dick, I'll give you the reason that I'm doing something because no matter how sh**y of a person anyone can be, no one deserves to be ghosted and given no explanation. So I told them exactly why I was leaving, and that I forgave them for all that they had done and that I still wished them the happiest life they could ever have, but that I just wasn't going to give them the chance to hurt me again.
They sent their partner after me on social media (Truth be told, I think it was them using their partners account because I had blocked their account. They've gone into their partners account before to let me see a picture of them, so I wouldn't be surprised), and then tried to post about me about how I was fake and all that sh**, and I couldn't help but pity them. They were acting like a child because they had lost something they should have taken better care of. It's like the toys that children accidentally throw out the window of a car, they would do that to me until they needed me and once they were good, out the window I went again. They had me looking cockeyed and crazy just because I cared. They made me out to be the bad guy because they were throwing a fit about me leaving, because without me there their flow was f***ed up.
If you can't appreciate me before I leave, what makes me feel like they'll do it once I come back? I'm a great friend, I'm a ride or die, I'm willing to do everything in my power to keep you happy and elevated even when I'm not, and all I ask for in return is love and a tiny bit of communication. I had to stop thinking that I had to change in order to be loved, that it was always me who was the problem because that isn't it, I'm not always the problem. I blamed myself for so many of their mistakes, and I let them walk over me and I shouldn't have. They were well aware of my trust issues, yet they still f***ed me over like I was the worst scum on this Earth, like I was the Devil or something.
Once I lost them, I felt amazing. I felt light! I felt like I was walking on air, but I had to learn that even if you feel better without someone it doesn't mean that you won't still suffer from what they did to you. I have new people in my life, and it honestly scares me that they'll end up doing the same thing to me. I don't want to have to worry about someone loving me or not.
Such as, I met a lot of guys who are my friends now and I'm in a poly relationship with two guys, I hate feeling like they're gonna betray me. I hate thinking that they're gonna f*** me over like that a**h*** of an ex-friend I had did. They've given me no reason to think like that, so I'm trying my best not to because they deserve the absolute best for how well they treat me. All my friends, both male and female, who stuck with me have proven that I can still love without the fear of rejection or pain. I just feel so stupid that I let my fear of being alone let me do this to myself, so it isn't just them who is at fault.
It's their fault for treating me like they did, but it's my fault for letting them do it for so long without putting them in their place. I can, however, promise myself that I'm going to be treating myself better from now on. I deserve love too, and I won't turn the people who want to give that to me away.