So, i'm in middle school. We're doing final exams and I'm in this "smart" kids program that's sort of exclusive to my school. It's basically taking all the smart kids and giving them almost all the same classes and limited options for electives, but apparently it's because they don't want us to be bored or something. I overheard some kid saying that if your final grade in one of your Academic Scholars/AS (tha'ts the name for it) is a D or lower then you get kicked out of the program, which kinda sucks because I don't wanna leave one of my best friends (who is also in AS) because she's honestly the reason why i have doubts about leaving AS.

I feel stressed because our final exams are different. We're doing a portfolio thing and the stuff you do in each class sort of tie into one another, so if you don't do the portfolio assignment for one class, you're screwed for the rest of 'em. I was super confused when they talked about what we were gonna do and i'm still confused and i don't wanna fail my final exams. I was already miserable because our teachers keep telling us that we're supposed to do well on everything even though AS is supposed to be more challenging.

We're supposed to be doing a short story in english centered around lunar rovers, but I haven't even started on it because my school-provided computer won't start up properly and because i don't have the requirements sheet for it. For history we're doing a timeline for lunar rovers, but I can't do THAT because part of it is showing how we made our own lunar rovers in science, which I couldn't do because I didn't have any supplies and we couldn't use a kit. We're also doing an art collage but we haven't gotten any explanation for that, which sucks because I have some art pieces that I'd really like to show off. We did normal exams for electives, which is good because it was a nice little break from everything happening in my AS classes.

I'm scared of failure and I wanna stay with my friends in AS but leaving might be best for me. I've actually considered ending it because of all the stress but I don't know what will happen to me once I die.

I wish I could stand up to them and tell them that they're treating us unfairly but I just can't. I kinda feel like my world is falling apart.

I have two friends that aren't in AS and two people that I've started to talk to when we're waiting for our parents to pick us up. One of my "normal" friends, I'll call her AL, and another one of my normal friends, who I'll call L, have been kind of mean to each other, but I don't know if it's considered bullying or not. My AS friend that I'll call AV hasn't been in much drama, but she doesn't seem to like the portfolio thing much either.

I find it difficult to get motivated and start or finish something and that's really bad because the portfolio thing is all about motivation and doing stuff at school and home. I want a shoulder to cry on but I don't wanna go to the school counsellor or a therapist or anything like that. At least we're getting a party on the first half-day of school.

AL's birthday was this month and AV and I made her birthday cards instead of buying her cards. Later that day, we were texting each other and she said that she really appreciated us and how we do things like that because we care and that we don't care what she wears and if she's mean for just a moment. It made me feel so special and happy. I think about that sometimes and it makes me feel better.

I know that I'm just rambling, but it feels so good to get this off my chest. This is pretty long, so I'm gonna stop here.