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MyLife

422
20 year old
Joined Apr 2017

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Muttrs by mylife

Everyone around me sees happiness , everyday I smile laugh and joke around....talk to everyone and make everyone happy.
No one sees that I wake up every morning and use every last bit of strength to get up out of bed, no one sees the pain and agony I suffer every day...they don't see my heart broken into a million pieces or the fact that I don't want to even be alive.
All happy, all the time...
They said that if I pretend long enough I myself will believe it. But no, down ins... read more

Everyone around me sees happiness , everyday I smile laugh and joke around....talk to everyone and make everyone happy.
No one sees that I wake up every morning and use every last bit of strength to get up out of bed, no one sees the pain and agony I suffer every day...they don't see my heart broken into a million pieces or the fact that I don't want to even be alive.
All happy, all the time...
They said that if I pretend long enough I myself will believe it. But no, down ins... read more

I hate myself . I hate myself . I hate myself .
I look in the mirror and all I see is a sad pathetic excuse of a human staring back at me, eyes full of sorrow and I could feel all the physical and mental abuse.
Looking into the mirror , I see a broken female who's tired of putting on that fake stupid smile, who's exhausted every last ounce of strength trying to pretend.
I see loneliness that could kill. I could see the light almost burned out
And I absolutely hate it.
I'm not... read more

If I could tell you how much I hate you ...
express how badly I wish you could feel the immense pain and depression you've bestowed upon me.
Deliver the rage and unexplainable fear coursing through my veins .
Show you the level of misery you established in my every last breath,
You ruined me and I want you to feel it too

Everyone keeps saying I'm ok, I repeat this to my self everyday...over and over , "you're ok, you're ok."
But no one really understands, no one knows...not really anyways

It's like I have two completely conflicting personalities...a constant fight with myself.
On one hand I'm sad pathetic empty and alone. While the other hard cold and emotionless.
One second I'm a mess the tears rolling down my cheeks and emotions heightened feelings of sorrow,pity, being alone surround me as the emptiness of my heart calls out for help...
Then just like that blink and eye and the sweet numbing sensation takes over my body, my heart hardens and complete blissf... read more

I just want to sleep forever .
Have all my pain lifted away

I walk around day by day hoping someone will see through me, someone will help me...but no ones a hero, no one will help.
Just slowly slipping away into my own sorrow and depression.
It consumes me and eats away at my soul.
Dead, empty inside .
I cry myself to bed only to awake with nightmares of what you've done to me.
Help. I try to reach out to you, you turn away and look there's another one of your s***. smh

My heart beats so fast I'm afraid everyone around me will hear it too.
The mask I wear is wearing thin, stare at me too long and you'll see the pain and sorrow storming inside .
I'm afraid It's all over now.

Nightmares still haunt me.
I don't feel much anymore, blissful emptiness.
My heart still craves you're affection, but is quickly reminded of all the bs you put me through , and I'm reminded of all the emotional,physical, and mental abuse you put on me.
You've literally taken everything from me, just left me dead inside .

My dear ,
One day I hope you wake up and realize the stress and bs you put me through.
I prey that you feel every ounce of pain I did.
I want so badly for you to know that you are the sole reason for our daughters death. And that you are the reason I'm dead inside, I walk around with a smile on my face to hide the fact that you left me completely empty, cold....the numbing pain just lingers in my soul and heart.... while I know you're just ok , But when you realize baby...whe... read more

Now , now I can say you've taken everything from me .
My heart soul. And now even my will to live .
Bleeding and alone, doctors said it was my stress anxiety and depression....
They said that all of that together the baby just gave up.
I have you my world and more , and you just destroyed me....
You walked away when I needed you the most.
LIED about everything and you feel no pain.

Someone please help me....
My heart is broke and mg mentality is spinning out of control .
Thinking about things I shouldn't , wanting to do things I haven't thought about in a long time....
Spiraling back into deep depression...and there's nothing I can do to help it.
Kill yourself...kill yourslef....kill your self.
Ring in my head over and over I just ignore it and pretend to smile and me happy .
Suppressing every emotion numbing my whole body bc the pain is so high everyti... read more

My love look what you've done.
You promised me endless love, a family, a forever .
Told me you loved me and would never let me go, Told me I was your world and that you'd die without me.
I didn't know forever was so short, I wouldn't of accepted it...
Since you did what you did you left me alone to fend for myself and your unborn baby in my belly.... Even after you were the one who said you wanted a daughter, you were the one who wanted this not me.
I was lost and afraid need... read more

When I'm upset I do one of two things depending on how I feel about myself ... 1. Bake like a mad woman . Or 2. Shop and spend money on useless things...
In my current situation I am shopping and I can't stop but I can't afford to keep going lol
I'm a sad individual

It's been now 4 days and I still feel as dead as the night I found out.
My heart aches my souls filled with sorrow and I haven't really ate in the 4 days ...Also haven't been able to sleep anytime I fall asleep in awaken by nightmares of what he did and I'm afraid to close my eyes bc I don't want to see you, just the faint blurry image that forms in my head hurts me all over again burns holes in my heart and rips all I have left out of me

Well guys the day is here ...
And I was right , he is choosing three days of drugs and "raving" over me and my unborn child.
I've been knowing and preparing myself for a little over a week... doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt, my last ounce of hope shredded and realization that he never loved me and he pushed me .
The day didn't go as planned , I wanted our relationship to survive and continue to love you as I have and will but I can't force you to love me too....sooo I gues... read more

One day left,..
Tomorrow I will know and all my anxiety and stress will be over , welcoming a whole new set of emotions

The closer we get to midnight the angrier I get...because they'll only be 1 day left.
My anger thrives on the day approaching .
My sorrow builds and my heart braces itself as it knows there's nothing more I or anyone else can do.... all my cards are down, his move...his choice .
BUT.
As I told him based on his choices, he shouldn't be mad at me when I make mine based on what he does....
You're move love, Once midnight hits you have 1 day left.

Pretending with a smile and a broken heart that everything will be ok. When I just want to scream at you because you don't even care, you smile and laugh joke around and you truly are clueless to how terrible you are to me. Choosing pills and alcohol over me and yourunborn child, hah.
So much for everything I've done for you , so much for the "baby trust me I'm different,imma make you feel more love than any other man bc I love you with all my heart." So much for my "happy en... read more

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