I had that unsettling feeling that someone was always watching me. I left the country and for a short time, I got to feeling like myself again. It was when I returned that I felt that uneasiness again. I spent months trying to confront it but nothing ever materialized, so I gave up. Whoever it is is not nothing less than a creep.
At the time I was dealing with a broken relationship. It hurt a lot because in him I discovered what love was. I felt that when he left me for another woman the pain was so deep. I tried to cry it out and the more I tried to push my memories of him away the more I found myself thinking of him. After months of trying to forget him I decided it wasn't of any use and just faced it. I would allow myself to remember the things that made me fall in love with him and embrace it. Strange as it sounds, I told myself that I was happy he was alive and well. That I loved him enough to hope for him joy. Sounds like I was attempting to be magnanimous, it wasn't. I didn't want the worst for him because he didn't love me enough to get rid of her. Men, simply feel that big tits are his ideal virtues of his perfect woman. Men can't deny it. Some like to watch their woman with huge bums walking past them in the house. He is a man after all. Huge boobs are something I wasn't blessed with. I thought about implants for years and the more I found out the less I wanted them. Worst, I would be willing to go under the knife for a man who couldn't even love me the way that I am.
It was an awakening. I know I'm not brilliant, or model material, and at that moment I wasn't even skinny. Besides if I were being honest, I wasn't looking for another relationship that would keep me from doing and going where this shimmer of light had told me to go.
I was coming off the bus late at night. I actually made the last bus home. It was a gold light behind my eyes telling me that my true love was in Florida, Miami dolphins fan. No, that had never happened to me before. I had a new goal and that was really my question. "God, in doing all this. Will it take me to where I will find success and happiness? Is this the path I hope to take to find what I want deep in my heart to have?" Oddly enough it didn't answer me. All I knew was that in my future I was going to Florida and the man I'm looking for lived around Miami. These things are never explicit, precise. I mean, I've had deja vu before and my understanding of "knowing" for me is my comprehension of it was just that and sat in my subconscious. I don't draw from it like a past memory the same way because it's not a past memory. It's the Gold glimmer that was new and since I think it might have happened twice after. Still, there was the blue glimmer.
The blue glimmer was I would see a person and know, in the future when the time was right, that person would approach me and I would at that time discover why. Honestly, it wasn't even all that. Sometimes it was just merely that that person would ask me a question. Or that I had bought something and carry it around with me to then find its owner. Like this one time, it was a plastic rubbery thing-a-ma-jig. I wasn't compelled to buy it like I must have it. I just thought it was strange and bought it. In conversation with this woman she was talking about how she was looking for something and I told her, I don't know why I bought it, but I guess it was for you all along. Just strange things like that. I never knew how life changing it was for her, or in helping her had it put her in the path that would surely help the cause? God's Will and his working in mysterious ways?
That in giving her the thing-a-ma-bob she would be in the place needed to help the other person who then in turn would help the next. The chain of events? So, what does the Gold behind my eyes mean? I was hoping that it was what I had sought. The man who was supposed to be in my life all along. Though the name was given, I didn't recognize it off the bat because even he had to have the courage to meet me in the way a man meets a woman. Or what I need of a man having come out of two bad relationships. He had to be him.