@Atlas_Lark

I'm so tired, man. So, so tired.

Y'know, sometimes I wish I could transfer the thoughts I constantly have, the things I constantly deal with, the permanent pain of just existing, because I KNOW you would fall apart under it if you could experience even half of it. And yet, you put words in my mouth, and you belittle it, and you tell me you "understand," in the same breath but you don't; you never will. You can say you've been in dark places, but I know you've never been in the spot I am, not even close. You have NO idea what it's like; stop acting like you do. Stop telling it's gonna get better because it WON'T, it won't. Not everybody is lucky, not everyone gets a good ending, not everyone makes it out, and I know I won't. This isn't a fckn disney movie. Just fckn leave already. I'd rather be alone. I don't need you anyway. I don't fckn need anyone.

Why cant my dad just fckn get over himself like good god "Your whole personality is being trans and gay and stuff" yeah well your whole personality is being a b1gotted christian who thinks everything he does is right "you're going against god and you're going down the wrong path" your religion literally says not to pass judgment on other people and let god handle that, like what "you're just an anarchist rebel teen with an agenda who only wants custody with your mom because you want to do whatever you want to because your mom doesn't even pay attention to you" mb for trying to talk to people to see if you were @bvs1ng me, didn't know that made me an anarchist rebel or wtv, and btch my mom is the only who gives two shts. At least she bothered to put away dangerous stuff after my attempt and didn't tell me to my face that all I needed was sunshine and more exercise when I was shing for months "If I decide my children need discipline, thats my right" Yeah sure but it doesn't give you the right to @bvse them or me just because ur our dad "Why do you care what I do to your brothers if its not you" have you never heard of empathy or caring about your family, like what the h3ll I cannot with this man anymore. Like, you give me this bs, and then when I'm depressed all day because my nine year old brother told me my you told him I was tricked by satan and had a whole conversation with him about me being trans and stuff and said who knows what, you ask if I'm okay and tell me you love me. I cannot tell yall how horrible it is to be in a divorced, toxic but loving household; the whiplash I get is insane

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, If I could go back and never be one of your problems, I would. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Just stop looking at me like that. Please I'm sorry

What the fck did I ever do to you to make you treat me like that....?

Why. Why. WHY. WHY? What did I do wrong? What did I do that meant you would put me in this body, in this family, and make me suffer through something that makes me want to rip my flesh off my bones on a daily basis? Why can't I just be a boy? Why can't I be like the other boys? Why can't I just look at myself in the mirror and not want to carve out the parts that don't fit? Why? I just wanna be a boy. That's all I want. I just want to be accepted as a boy. I just want to be able to be in the world without being terrified people will see me as a girl or never have a relationship because I'm not a real boy but I'm a weird 'girl' and I'll never be enough to fit the standards, no matter how much I cry or scream or pretend. Why why why why why why can't I be a boy why can't I be a boy? Why can't I feel right in my body and not constantly be in a state of being incomplete or incorrect. I hate it. I HATE IT. No one sees me as a boy, no one, I'll never be a boy, no matter what I do. The friends that support me probably don't even see me as a boy. I'm just the trans friend and I love them and I know they're already doing so much by respecting my pronouns and name but I know deep down they don't see me as a boy and for all I know they call me a girl when I'm not around and I just wanna cry. Why can't I be a boy Why why why WHY!? I'm sorry I can't be your daughter, or your sister, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry I'm different, I didn't mean to, I didn't want to, but I can't do it, please just love me. Please love me. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to disgust you and dissapoint you I didn't mean to please stop looking at me like that please I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, please don't leave me, please love me, I'm sorry, I'm sorry

Why is that even when I'm around people, and I have friends and family, and I know I have people who care, I feel soul-crushingly lonely? Why does it feel like I'm worth nothing even when people say they love me or actively try to spend time with me? Why do I feel so alone even when I'm surrounded by people? I don't understand. I just want to feel okay and alive and like I actually matter

Being the outcast 'rebel' in your family is all fun and games until you're treated like you're less than a human by everyone because you didn't turn out as a perfect straight mormon girl with no mental illnesses like your parents wanted. Like, wdym my sister's nickname for me is literally sinner. Wdym I've had my 9 year old brother tell me I'm tricked by satan. Wdym I was told that all I needed was sunshine and more exercise when I was sh-ing. Wdym my dad 'didn't know it was that bad' when I tried to kms, even though he knew I'd been struggling for months beforehand and refused to get me therapy or help of any kind. Wdym my dad has said I'm going against god when I literally did nothing but exist as myself. Like, mb for caring about myself enough to come out as trans and not suffocate silently with dysphoria n sht. Sorry I'm not bottling up my emotions in a tiny box, dad, thats mb, mb. Everyone wants to have that rebel punk aesthetic or whatever until you're actually that and everyone sees you as some anarchist rebel with an agenda or a sinner or someone who's just mentally ill af. It's not fun, it's not cool, it doesn't make you special. You're just the failed kid who turned out wrong compared to the rest of your perfect family and wasn't strong enough to just deal with your problems on your own. Fck this, man.