@zaniee

i feel like a shaken soda can all the time. like i'm trying to keep my fucking mouth shut but i have no one to talk to and the things i'm miserable about keep leaking out and getting all over everything and making my whole world sticky.

day 1 period. super sick. therapy canceled. room messy. no friends. -$300. no good food. i can't TAKE it anymore i wish i could actually end my fucking life

i'm actually really not doing well i think. like in general.

i'm so chill i'm so chill i'm so chill i'm so chill i'm so chill i'm so chill i'm so chill i'm so chill i'm so chill i'm so chill i'm so chill i'm so chill i'm so chill i'm so chill i'm so chill i'm so chill i'm so chill i'm so chill i'm so chill i'm so chill i'm so chill i'm so chill

2.5 years and i'm only just now making new friends again but the new friends speak with her cadence and vocabulary and slang and there are echoes of her in every message i read and it's making me miss her so much it's sick

@MuttrStaff the website is censoring the word t/h/e/r/a/p/i/s/t lmfao? it won't let me post anything with that word

WOOO zaniee is back 🥹 i don't know if anyone here remembers me but i was very active for a long time. (content warning for the rest of this! abuse, disordered eating, SA, etc) i was in a really bad situation at home in 2020. i talked about it here but long story short, my parents got violent with me and when i tried to tell my therapist, my parents told her i was a liar. CPS was called, didn't believe me and called me lucky... i ended up getting sent to the troubled teen industry because i wouldn't stfu. while i was there, i developed terrible ptsd (maybe c-ptsd?) and very disordered eating. i spent 8 months in that place... it was called ReCreation Retreat in fredonia, az. it just got shut down by the goverment a few months ago for abuse. i witnessed horrific things there. i had to become someone i hated just to make it out of that place. it haunts me still, 5+ years later. it brainwashed me into thinking i imagined all the abuse. a year after that place, when i graduated high school back at home, i was repeatedly raped by my boyfriend at the time... i tried to go to college but i had severe ptsd from being raped and had panic attacks every time i tried to get out of my car, so i kept taking "gap semesters" and working full time as a waitress. things at home started getting shaky again, and my binge eating got worse. this past summer was genuinely horrific. i finally stopped trying to lose weight and gained a lot back. i found old writing of mine (archived posts from this site, actually) that made me realize i never lied about my parents hitting me, i never imagined it like they all said i did. that combined with constant emotional and sometimes physical abuse from my brother made me just stop talking to my family completely... in addition, i learned i have fucking OSDD (which explains SO MUCH). i started saving for a car to live out of because i was going to run away and be homeless instead of live in this fucking house. but when i bought my car, the salesman i got it from liked me enough to get me a job as a salesperson. i just started less than 2 weeks ago and LOVE my job. i'm speaking to my family again because idk it was just too hard not to... but i still want to gtfo. i wish i could say this was a happy ending because i DO love my job, and i am saving to move out, BUT... my mentor at work, the one who got me the job, just started touching me inappropriately. i was kept up all last night with nightmares and i can't do anything. if i try to tell anyone, i'll probably lose this job, and if i lose this job i will be homeless. so i'm completely fucked. i feel like i'm gonna lose my fucking mind. anyway, i doubt anyone here remembers me but i figured i'd update anyway. i am so happy this site is back. i've been checking constantly these past few years and hoping someday it would return. i hope things get better for me.