End of March, a canary bird perched on my window frame. I opened the window, let him in. I refused to keep him in a cage, because to me it was unimaginable that a creature that was born with two wings should be locked in a small space. I thought to a bird flying is his raison d'être. One morning, late June, I kept the window slightly ajar to let in some air, then went out of the room to pee. Once I opened the door of the room, the window was flung open through a gust of wind, but I didnt notice. When I came back later, the first thing I noticed was the open window and I knew he was gone. Prior to him flying into my room, I was feeling lonely and had wished for a pet to keep me company, but I worried about the logistics so I left it at that: a thought/wish. He came, kept me company from end of March till end of June, then one day he flew away. I remember feeling anger and grief, feelings I couldn't externalize for various reasons. And no one thought I had any right to be mad or sad because 1. he didn't stay that long, 2. he was "my" bird so others were uninvolved and 3. because I realized what the sentiment was: "fuck you and fuck your feelings, deal with them on your own and don't make a fuss." I stayed in my room for a day or two, feeling like shit, then I had to continue being functional because no one cared how I felt in general, let alone over "my" bird that I only had for 3 months.
Now, at 2-3am in the morning, I reach for sth over the closet and it's covered in dropplings because that's where he liked to hang out/fall asleep. A lump swells in my throad, and I realize I didn't get to mourn the loss of my bird properly. It's been almost 3 months since he's gone, almost as long as his stay, and the days went by and blended into one another, but I never dealt with that. There are pigeons that come and eat grains and drink water placed in the balcony of the apartment. Everytime I saw a piegon, I thought it reminded me of something. And I thought it reminded me of a pigeon we had back in 2023. Now I realize the memory that was at the back of my mind trying to push through was of my canary whom I pushed out of my mind because I didn't have time to be sad over him, nor would have anyone understood why I would feel that way. I remembered how I used to talk to him and blow kisses to him and he'd reply back. Then I noticed he'd slightly freak out if I didn't reply, so I tried to de-condition it out of him. I remembered how the period before he was gone, he'd approach me, not scared, and how he started to perch on the mattress, the laptop... not afraid of me, or at least letting his guard partially down. I am so grateful to him, because he did make the days less lonely. I am also sorry because I thought I was doing the best for him by not caging him. Now he might've died, especially from the sweltering heat of July and August. He was a breath of innocence, warmth... Now all I have left was the dropplings on top of the closet and the other obstinate spots on the nightstand, the speaker... I feel slightly unconsolable somewhat because of guilt, but mostly because I do miss him, even though I realize I can't keep a pet nor provide it with better conditions than I did my canary. Farewell.